That my back may not be fixable…. And that is what is still hard to believe for me. I am an eternal optimist… and given my health issues, I am glad I am. It helped me though 10 years of recovery of…. an invisible not really fully diagnosed illness, to a point where I am running at about 90%. So I finally had energy to get the ‘fixable’ things looked at. Things that had a proper diagnosis…. Especially with X-rays, and MRTs and CT scans pinpointing exactly what is wrong.
After the success of my eyes being fixed, I was on a high and had so hoped that the doc’s would say.. sure let’s go in, we can do this. I knew it would be a big operation, but it was doable… but the news yesterday that it seems like the nerves in the tightest area are so close to the scar tissue that they may even have grown into each other that was not expected. I won’t know for sure if they think there is a chance to do it till (hopefully) some time next week, but even then… do I want to take the risk… the risk that it may get worse than it is now.
There are no alternatives to making it better… unless they can make room for the nerves with the operation, this is as good as it is going to get… perhaps some exercises may help with strengthening muscles to slow further detoriation, something I will pursue if there is not going to be an operation. But I am not 50 yet… and I can only walk 100 yards, relatively pain free…. There is still so much I want to go see and do, so much that I want to go and do while being able to walk better…. I hate that I already need so much help with everything….
Yet what if it were to make it worse…. I am still able to do a lot and to work, and I am still able to waddle around. The risk is less of full paralysis, more along the lines of full double incontinence… with that, I wouldn’t be able to work anymore. Or really go do stuff…
But if I don’t get my back fixed, there is no point in doing the knees… since that would need me to be able to walk more than 100m while recovering… besides, It is not worth the operations if I can’t walk anyway.
It just never occured to me that it may not be fixable… something with such a clear diagnosis…..